WHEN BEING LOVED MEANS BEING WHO YOU’RE NOT

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

There’s a reason it feels safer to be chosen for your mask than seen for your truth. Because somewhere along the way, being yourself came with consequences.

Maybe you were too loud. Too soft. Too sexual.Too intense. Too emotional.

Too demanding. Too… much.

Or maybe you were just there — with big feelings and big needs in a world that only handed out affection when you earned it.

So you adapted.

Not because you’re fake. But because your nervous system was trying to keep you safe.

You watched what made people leave. And you made yourself smaller than that.

You paid attention to what got applause. And you became excellent at performance.

And now? You wonder why intimacy exhausts you. Why you feel lonely even when you're surrounded.Why being loved feels like pressure — not peace.

WHEN YOUR WORTH IS TIED TO YOUR PERFORMANCE

Most survivors weren’t taught how to receive love. They were taught how to secure it. Maintain it. Deserve it.

The problem with this?It builds identity on over-functioning. On perfection.On keeping your feelings in check.

Suddenly, you're not just managing yourself —you're managing everyone else’s perception of you.

That’s not love. That’s branding.

You curate your humanity into something legible. Package your softness so it doesn't leak. You apologise before anyone can blame you. You shine so no one sees the cracks.

And then wonder why nobody sees the real you. The one who’s aching. The one who’s tired. The one who never really got to just exist.

🖤 COACHING TASK:

WHO AM I WHEN I’M NOT WHO THEY NEED ME TO BE?

Let’s get honest with the journal — or the mirror.

• What parts of myself do I only allow to exist behind closed doors?

• Who am I afraid will leave if I stop performing?

• What do I believe will happen if I disappoint someone?

• Where in my life have I confused approval with affection?

• What would it take to unmask in front of the people I love?

You don’t need to do it all at once.But you do need to begin.

Because your real self is waiting.And she’s tired of being dressed in costumes.

Ready to drop the performance and come home to yourself?

In Patreon, we unpack what it means to show up as you — unfiltered, undone, and enough. Workshops. Voice notes. Coaching. Nervous system tools. No pretending. No pressure. No fixing. Just returning.

And in Who the Fuck Am I Becoming?, we pull the mask off slowly — and meet the version of you that never needed to be edited in the first place.

Applause is addictive.But your peace?

That’s what you came for.

xx Josi