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WAS IT KINK OR CONTROL? UNDERSTANDING COVERT ABUSE

  • Writer: Josi
    Josi
  • Sep 4
  • 2 min read

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin


He said you liked it rough.He said you never said no. He said it turned you on.

And maybe it did. But here’s the thing no one talks about:

You can be turned on and still be violated. You can crave dominance and still be manipulated. You can have a safe word and still be afraid to use it.


TRAUMA CONFUSES POWER WITH LOVE

If you grew up in a household where love came with control, punishment, or collapse, then your nervous system may crave that same dynamic — not because it’s safe, but because it’s familiar.

You find yourself drawn to people who dominate, command, take. And yes — it can feel erotic. But if the dominance is real and the consent is performative, you’re not in a power exchange — you’re in a trauma reenactment.


WHEN KINK MASKS COERCION

Healthy BDSM is built on trust, negotiation, aftercare, and explicit, enthusiastic consent. But covert abuse hides inside the grey areas.

  • “Come on, don’t be boring.”

  • “You said you liked this.”

  • “That wasn’t pain — that was pleasure.”

Suddenly, you’re not sure whether you were a partner or a prop. Suddenly, there’s no check-in after. No emotional repair. Just silence. Or worse — shame.

And you don’t want to be dramatic. You don’t want to ruin the vibe. So you smile. Say it was hot. Say you’re fine. While your body shuts down completely.


YOU CAN’T CONSENT WHILE DISSOCIATING

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: If you leave your body to survive sex, you didn’t consent — no matter what you said with your mouth.

If your nervous system collapses into freeze or fawn,it doesn’t matter if you whispered yes.

Because real consent isn’t just verbal —it’s embodied. Present. Felt. Free.

And you deserve sex where you’re not just surviving. Where you’re not flinching inside while moaning out loud. Where you’re not being touched like a memory, but like a living, breathing choice.


🖤 COACHING PROMPT FOR TODAY

DID I EVER CONFUSE SUBMISSION WITH SAFETY? DID I EVER PERFORM POWERLESSNESS TO FEEL WANTED?

Write it down. Don’t censor it. Don’t spiritualise it.Just tell the truth.

And then ask: What would erotic safety feel like if I had never been punished for my boundaries?


That’s what we’re learning now. Not to perform pain. But to reclaim choice.

Inside Patreon, we unpack these hidden wounds —the ones that look like pleasure on the surface but bleed shame underneath. And in Who the Fuck Am I Becoming? we explore what it means to rebuild your erotic identity from truth, not survival.

Because what happened to you wasn’t kink. It was control.And you’re allowed to name it.


xx Josi


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