WHEN SEX BECOMES SURVIVAL: HOW TRAUMA TWISTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO PLEASURE

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

Some of us shut down.Some of us go wild. Some of us disappear completely while moaning like porn stars.

That’s not freedom.That’s survival.

And when you grow up learning that your body is currency, that attention equals safety, that being wanted is the closest thing to love you’ll ever get—you don’t develop a relationship to pleasure. You develop a performance.

HYPERSEXUALITY IS NOT EMPOWERMENT

Let’s be clear: There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping with who you want, when you want, as often as you want.

But what’s the nervous system underneath?

Because some of us aren’t exploring desire —we’re trying to outrun shame. We’re trying to prove we’re wanted. We’re reenacting our trauma in stilettos and red lipstick and calling it healing.

But it’s not healing if it leaves you emptier. It’s not power if it leaves you numb. It’s not freedom if your “yes” is just a different kind of self-abandonment.

FAWNING DISGUISED AS SEXUAL CONFIDENCE

Fawning isn’t always about being small. Sometimes it looks like taking control. Being the fantasy. Dominating the room, the bed, the conversation —but inside, you’re still trying to survive.

You read their needs before they speak. You perform your orgasms. You say yes with a smile and a dissociated soul.

And people call you magnetic. They call you powerful.

But deep down, you know: you’re not being chosen — you’re being consumed.

NUMBNESS IS NOT NEUTRALITY

If you’ve ever said:

• “It’s just sex.”

• “I don’t catch feelings.”

• “I’m just really chill about this stuff.”

Ask yourself — is that honesty or armour?

Because erotic detachment is often a trauma response. Your body learned that if you don’t feel it, it can’t hurt you. But now you can’t feel anything.

Pleasure included.

🖤 COACHING PROMPT FOR TODAY

IS MY SEXUAL EXPRESSION ANCHORED IN TRUTH — OR STRATEGY?

Be ruthless. Be raw.What do you use sex for? Validation? Control? Numbness? Escape?

Now ask: What would it look like to have sex that is not about being chosen — but about being present?

That’s what we’re reclaiming.

This is why I created Who the Fuck Am I Becoming? — to dismantle the performance and rebuild the person.And inside Patreon, we unlearn all the ways we’ve mistaken survival for intimacy.

Because real power isn’t loud. It’s honest.

And real healing isn’t always sexy. But it is sacred.

xx Josi