WHEN SEX FEELS SAFE BUT YOU FEEL NOTHING: NUMBNESS, TRAUMA, AND THE ABSENCE OF DESIRE

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

You’re not in danger anymore. They ask. They wait. They’re soft.They listen when you say no. They don’t take. They don’t push.

And still —you feel nothing.

No fire. No ache.No pulse of want in your belly.

Just a body that used to burn now lying still under the sheets, wondering if it’s broken.

NUMBNESS ISN’T A LACK OF DESIRE — IT’S A PROTECTIVE RESPONSE

When your nervous system has been flooded for years —with fear, confusion, shame, coercion —it doesn’t just “bounce back” because the danger is gone.

It goes quiet. It shuts the gates. It tells you: feel nothing, and you won’t get hurt.

So even when your partner is kind…Even when they do everything right…You disconnect. You float above yourself. You fake it. Or you avoid it altogether.

Not because you don’t want sex.But because you’re afraid of what might wake up if you actually feel it.

WHEN YOU MISTAKE DETACHMENT FOR HEALING

There’s a version of you that used to over-perform. You were wild. Loud. Always ready.

You said yes before they even asked.

And now? You’re calm. Boundaried. "Fine."But inside, you’re numb.

That’s not peace. That’s shutdown. That’s your body protecting you from the overwhelm it never got to process.

PLEASURE AFTER TRAUMA IS A LANGUAGE YOU HAVE TO RELEARN

It’s not about pushing yourself to want more. It’s about slowing down enough to feel anything at all.

Let desire be quiet. Let arousal be awkward.Let your body say “not yet” without shaming it.

Because numbness isn’t failure —it’s a message.

And the more you listen, the more your body might trust you enoughto speak again.

🖤 COACHING PROMPT FOR TODAY

WHAT DOES MY BODY NEED TO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO FEEL?Not what you think it should need.What it actually needs.

Silence?Touch without expectation?A full fucking year without anyone asking for anything?

Write it down.Then ask:Am I willing to give that to myself?

Inside Patreon, we talk about this all the time — not just reclaiming pleasure,but understanding why your body paused it in the first place.And in Who the Fuck Am I Becoming?, we build new pathways to erotic presence that start with safety, not shame.

Because not feeling anything?Isn’t your fault.It’s your body asking you to listen deeper.

xx Josi