WHEN YOU BECOME THE SAFE SPACE YOU NEVER HAD

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

They hurt you —and somehow, you became the one who made sure nobody else ever felt uncomfortable again.

That’s how it often starts: One moment of violation, one moment of being ignored, dismissed, or blamed…And suddenly you become a master of reading the room.

A translator of tension. A caretaker of other people’s nervous systems — while yours quietly burns.

THE BIRTH OF THE PEACEMAKER PATTERN

You learn to lower your voice.Soften your truth.Smile even when your body is screaming.

Because the first time you were hurt — no one came.No one stopped it. No one held the weight of what happened.

So you did what children do best:You adapted.You made it make sense. You thought, “Maybe if I’m easier to love, this won’t happen again.”

ADULTHOOD: WHERE THE ADAPTATIONS TURN INTO ATTRIBUTES

Fast forward.You’re the one everyone calls when they’re falling apart. The good listener. The calm one. You’re applauded for your empathy, your intuition, your emotional maturity.

But here’s what they don’t see:That your gift was born out of grief. That your calm is not peace — it’s vigilance.That your “understanding” of others is a trauma skill, not a personality trait.

You became the safe space you never had.And it’s killing you slowly.

YOU CAN’T HOLD EVERYONE AND HEAL AT THE SAME TIME

At some point, the roles reverse. Your body starts keeping score.

You start snapping at people who take too much. You withdraw.You fantasise about leaving everything behind and disappearing. Or worse — you turn that rage inward and wonder why you’re so “sensitive,” so “moody,” so “exhausted.”

But the truth is: you’ve been over-functioning in your relationships for years.

And not because you’re strong.Because it was safer than being vulnerable.

REWRITING THE ROLE

Healing doesn’t mean becoming cold.It means becoming honest.

It means letting people carry their own discomfort.Letting others misunderstand you sometimes.Letting your body speak before your brain rushes in to make peace.

Because you don’t owe the world a version of you that makes them feel better.

🖤 COACHING TASK FOR TODAY

What do I do to make other people more comfortable that costs me myself?

List them. All of them. Even the subtle ones. Then circle one thing you're willing to stop doing this week. Start there. Let it be messy. Let it be loud. Let it be yours.

And if you're in the thick of this? If your nervous system is tired of being the safe space and ready to be the sacred space instead — join me on Patreon, or explore my workshop WHO THE FUCK AM I BECOMING? on GinkgoMinds.com.

You don’t need to earn rest. Or prove your pain.You just need to come back to the part of you that never stopped asking:What about me?

xx Josi