WHY SURVIVORS OFTEN FEEL MORE IN CONTROL IN TOXIC DYNAMICS

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

You know it’s unhealthy. You know it’s unbalanced, manipulative, maybe even cruel. But still — there’s a strange comfort in it. Because at least you know the rules. At least you know how to survive in chaos.

Healthy love feels unpredictable.But toxicity? That’s familiar. And you’ve mastered it.

WHEN LOVE MEANS MANAGING, NOT RECEIVING

If you grew up managing the moods of a parent, tiptoeing around rage, reading every microexpression —then your nervous system learned something:

Connection = control.Love = hypervigilance.

So in adulthood, healthy relationships can feel confusing, even threatening. People who are kind? They make you feel exposed. People who respect your space? They feel distant. People who don’t need fixing? They feel boring — or worse — out of your league.

But the ones who need you to shrink, guess, over-function? That feels like home.

IN TOXIC DYNAMICS, YOU STAY BUSY — AND BUSY FEELS SAFER THAN VULNERABLE

Let’s be honest: Caretaking is a trauma response. Overthinking is protection. Codependency is control dressed up as love.

When you’re with someone chaotic, your nervous system knows what to do.

You anticipate. You soothe. You stay “one step ahead.”

It gives you a false sense of power. Because if you’re the fixer, you don’t have to feel like the abandoned one. If you’re the one in control, you don’t have to sit with how deeply unsafe you really feel.

STABILITY FEELS DANGEROUS WHEN IT’S NEVER BEEN SAFE

The moment someone doesn’t need you to earn love —your system glitches. Because love that doesn’t require performance feels suspicious.

You wait for the mask to drop. You poke and test and withdraw —not because you want to destroy it, but because you’re trying to make it familiar again.

Because if you can predict the pain, at least you don’t have to hope.

🖤 COACHING PROMPT FOR TODAY

WHAT DO I MISTAKE FOR CONTROL THAT’S ACTUALLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE?

Write it down. Is it “knowing where they are at all times”? Is it “checking in constantly”?

Is it being the one who’s always giving?

Then ask: What would it feel like to not be needed — and still be loved?

That’s where the real healing begins.In the place where you’re no longer managing the connection —but actually receiving it.

Inside Patreon, we unlearn these patterns layer by layer —and inside Who the Fuck Am I Becoming?, I teach you how to stop making yourself useful and start making yourself real.

Because toxic dynamics reward survival. But real intimacy requires something much harder: letting yourself be seen when you’re not performing.

xx Josi