WHY WE STAY: THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND CALLING PAIN LOVE

A GinkgoMinds Blog by Jo Oswin

You knew it didn’t feel right. The tight stomach. The constant guessing. The way your nervous system always felt one breath away from panic. But you stayed. Maybe for months. Maybe for years. And maybe, even now, a part of you still wonders if it was real. If the pain was love. Or if you just learned to call it that.

LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO HURT — THAT’S WHAT THEY TOLD YOU

Let’s be honest. Most of us were not taught what healthy love feels like. We were taught earned love. Chaotic love. Love that leaves, so you better perform to keep it. Love that hurts, but at least it’s intense. Love that mimics your childhood — so it feels like home, even if it was hell.

So when someone made you anxious, when they pulled away, when they made you prove your worth, it didn’t feel wrong.

It felt familiar. And your body said: This must be love.

THE NERVOUS SYSTEM DOESN’T SEEK SAFETY — IT SEEKS FAMILIARITY

You don’t go back to pain because you’re weak. You go back because your body recognises it. Because if you grew up around instability, neglect, chaos, or control, then that’s what intimacy feels like.

Not because it is —but because your nervous system got wired that way.

So when someone offers calm, consistency, clarity —your body says: I don’t trust this.

And when someone offers drama, adrenaline, withdrawal followed by crumbs of attention —your body says: We know how to survive this.

WHEN LOVE AND PAIN HAVE BEEN INTERTWINED, YOU START TO FEEL ALIVE IN YOUR WOUND

We don’t just trauma bond with people. We trauma bond with experiences. With longing. With conflict. With almosts.

And every time they hurt you and then hold you, your body learns that love equals rupture and repair. That love isn’t safe — it’s intense. That love isn’t mutual — it’s something you fight for, beg for, prove yourself for.

So when real love shows up —gentle, honest, available —you reject it.

Because it doesn’t light up the same neurons.

THE WORK IS NOT JUST LEAVING — IT’S UNLEARNING

Yes, you can leave the toxic dynamic. Yes, you can block them, move on, find someone better.

But the real work? Is sitting in front of healthy love and not flinching. Letting someone care for you and not feeling ashamed. Letting your body rest in connection without looking for the danger.

It’s grieving the fact that love wasn’t safe when you first needed it.And learning to receive it now — not as a performance, but as your birthright.

🖤 COACHING PROMPT:

WHAT DOES SAFE LOVE FEEL LIKE TO ME?

If your blueprint is built on survival,you have to consciously build a new one.

Start here:

• What did love mean in my childhood?

• What did I have to do to “earn” affection?

• What feels boring or uncomfortable now that might actually be safe?

• What would love feel like if I didn’t have to earn it?

Write the answers. Then read them out loud like you’re rewriting the script — because you are.

IF THIS HITS, YOU’RE NOT ALONE

In my Patreon community, we unlearn this shit together. We name the pain, we rewrite the patterns, and we rewire the nervous system one breath at a time.

And in Who the Fuck Am I Becoming?, we go deep into love, trauma, identity, and rebuilding safety — not just in relationships, but in your body.

Because love shouldn’t feel like danger. But if it does — that’s not your fault.It just means you were taught the wrong definition.

You can come back to yourself. And from there? You can finally choose love that doesn’t hurt.

xx Josi